Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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