I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
not ubering you a puppy
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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