I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
