Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
