if i can run in heels then i can drive
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
