There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
