i was rollin on her like bob the builder
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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