I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
