And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
