I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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