from now on my penis is your penis
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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