Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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