it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
