I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
