I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
