I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I just blew my weed a kiss
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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