I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
