if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
