I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
