During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
