I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
