rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize