Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
