At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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