woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Dick very happy bro
Randomize
