The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
