My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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