Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
