you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
