If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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