Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
