Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
