Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
