I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
