That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
