You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
