the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
