so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
