nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I yelled at your uterus for you.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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