I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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