Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
