He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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