I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
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