I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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