hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
