careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
