You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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