I am spending my child support on dildos
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
