I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Liz is crying about burritos again.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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