I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I've blown a few things in my day
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
