I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
