Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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