If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
