I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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