I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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