From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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