I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
