Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
