Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
