my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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